The Demise of a Mother

This is my umpteenth time trying to blog this but I still find it difficult to express how I really feel. There is not a day passed by which I dont think of her. The feelings of sorrow, guilt, regret, blame, hate and especially how much I miss her. There are many 'If only I ..." moments. Though her demise was expected but knowing that I wont see her again is the most excruciating experience ever. Knowing that she cant see my children grow(bringing Js to school in their little uniforms) is the saddest for me. Realising that she hasnt returned to JB for years and wont be able to anymore is my biggest regret.
My mum had been a pillar of strength and wisdom in my family. Now that she is gone, no one updates me with the latest news: which company has bankrupt, which company has bought over another, who is Jimmy Choo, what is Bernard Chandran's latest venture, what has Francis Yeoh bought lately. No one says "You dont have my genes when it comes to dressing." No one tells me "Do something to your (messy) hair." Less one advises me "Dont lose your temper on your children." When I was at my dad's today, I stared at the sofa that mum used to laze on. That was her favourite spot; reading the newspapers and playing sudoku. Now, it is just an empty, cold sofa. No more does it look familiar. In fact, it is foreign to me. I miss the familiar sight of her sitting with her legs crossed, her bifocals hanging loose on her nose, newspapers on her hands while her eyes focused on the television.
Since my mum joins God 2 weeks ago. Jerilyn talks about Po-po everyday. On one hand, she says "Po-Po with Jesus Christ", on the other, she still believes that Po-Po will return to stay with us. She would say "Po-Po stay here. Then, Po-Po sit on the chair. Mummy push." Sometimes, she thinks that Po-Po is still in the hospital. SHe tells the maid "Po-Po sakit, hospital." When she spots something which belonged to my mother, she says "Po-Po de" When she goes to my dad's house, she asks to be carried to have a closer look at my mum's photo. Jesslyn too calls out to Po-Po everytime she sees her photo. I hope they will always remember mum somewhere in their little hearts.
I cant undo the wrongs or do what is already too late but I will compensate by bringing up her grandchildren the way that will make her proud.
We love you always, Mummy.