The Demise of a Mother

This is my umpteenth time trying to blog this but I still find it difficult to express how I really feel. There is not a day passed by which I dont think of her. The feelings of sorrow, guilt, regret, blame, hate and especially how much I miss her. There are many 'If only I ..." moments. Though her demise was expected but knowing that I wont see her again is the most excruciating experience ever. Knowing that she cant see my children grow(bringing Js to school in their little uniforms) is the saddest for me. Realising that she hasnt returned to JB for years and wont be able to anymore is my biggest regret.
My mum had been a pillar of strength and wisdom in my family. Now that she is gone, no one updates me with the latest news: which company has bankrupt, which company has bought over another, who is Jimmy Choo, what is Bernard Chandran's latest venture, what has Francis Yeoh bought lately. No one says "You dont have my genes when it comes to dressing." No one tells me "Do something to your (messy) hair." Less one advises me "Dont lose your temper on your children." When I was at my dad's today, I stared at the sofa that mum used to laze on. That was her favourite spot; reading the newspapers and playing sudoku. Now, it is just an empty, cold sofa. No more does it look familiar. In fact, it is foreign to me. I miss the familiar sight of her sitting with her legs crossed, her bifocals hanging loose on her nose, newspapers on her hands while her eyes focused on the television.
Since my mum joins God 2 weeks ago. Jerilyn talks about Po-po everyday. On one hand, she says "Po-Po with Jesus Christ", on the other, she still believes that Po-Po will return to stay with us. She would say "Po-Po stay here. Then, Po-Po sit on the chair. Mummy push." Sometimes, she thinks that Po-Po is still in the hospital. SHe tells the maid "Po-Po sakit, hospital." When she spots something which belonged to my mother, she says "Po-Po de" When she goes to my dad's house, she asks to be carried to have a closer look at my mum's photo. Jesslyn too calls out to Po-Po everytime she sees her photo. I hope they will always remember mum somewhere in their little hearts.
I cant undo the wrongs or do what is already too late but I will compensate by bringing up her grandchildren the way that will make her proud.
We love you always, Mummy.

Additional Member in the Family

Let me see. I havent written for almost 2 months. Have been extremely busy lately. In actual fact, I did not have the mood to blog. I had nothing to write about. I didnt have the mood to write. CNY was quiet and sombre although I am joyful that my sister(with her husband) have returned to celebrate it with us. This CNY, I dont have photos to share because my camera had broken down just when I needed it most. My daughters were looking like princesses (though they didnt act like 1) in those lacy dresses my sis bought. However, my camera works like magic now. I dont know what happened but on CNY 15th, I turned it on and voila! I started shooting pics of my daughters with my sis. Yes.... Juliana is still here. She has been back for 7 weeks and will return to Australia soon.
So, what makes me write again? DOG! I dont like dogs. I am the only person who hates dogs in the family. Although my family had brought up 2 dogs in my life but for unknown reason, I never like them. Anyway, one day, my sis and husband(dog lovers) found a labrador lying next to my car. The moment they opened my car door, it was claimed that the dog jumped into my car and they insisted that the dog and I are what the Chinese called 'yau yuen'. So, they insisted that I keep the labrador, a golden retriever. They took the golden retriever back to my..actually my dad's house. They claimed that Labradors are good for children's development.
Jerilyn is only as tall as the dog so she definitely jumps when the dog comes close. However, it didnt take long before Jerilyn went near the dog and tamed it; stroking its fur and ordering the dog to sit or 'come here'. Jesslyn screamed and tried to climb on me when the dog to her. The kids looked frighten but they enjoyed the screaming and playing. Later, we asked Jerilyn to give the dog a name and she came up with GINGER. We are pleasantly surprised with that name. 'Ginger' is perfect this dog. Dont you agree? Not only is the name most appropriate for the dog, its also gives the dog a class on its own. I usually hear human names on dogs which are not creative at all. I, myself am not creative. All of us couldnt think of a name. That was why we asked Jerilyn to name the dog. For this reason, I dont have the heart to give the dog away. Maybe it is good for my kids. I want my children to be animal lovers, unlike me. The picture below is taken from the internet. I havent got time to take a photo of Ginger yet.